"I stand in awe of every Mountain that You move."
In Better Hands Now - by Natalie Grant
Powerful song. Powerful words. I feel like God is doing this for me right now. Moving mountains. Protecting me. Sheltering me in His wings.
After the initial glow and shock of knowing in my heart that the Lord was calling us to adopt, I was peaceful for several weeks. Sad how quickly my heart turns to doubt; to frustration; to questioning. Seems as though the further I get away from a special moment with God, the more I doubt it really ever happened. Thinking to myself, "He didn't really say that, did He? That isn't really what happened. That isn't really what I am being called to." I was all in a funk wondering once again what this new path was supposed to be. My hubby and I were really questioning the intelligence of making such a huge step. The money, the time, the risk, the energy. Not sure we wanted all that. My heart did, but my heart wants lots of things, including unhealthy things.
I had talked with another friend who has an adopted child of another race. Asking her questions about what it has been like, what led her to adopt. She asked me good questions as well. One of the things that she asked was wondering if I had the emotional energy to go through an adoption process and the emotional energy to have another child at this time. My Dad had just died about 4 months before and I was, still am, in grief about his unexpected death. So, basically she was asking me if I was looking for something to distract me, a coping mechanism. Great question considering I am full of those annoying coping habits. My Dad died, I adopted a puppy, and now I am talking about adopting a child. Wow, was I just trying to distract myself? Maybe. I was really questioning.
A couple of Sundays later...heavy heart. Asking the Lord to show up for me. To let me feel connected to Him during worship. I get to church, my side is totally full, so grumbling I sit in the middle with people that I do not know. I make some snide comment about some song or something. Really preparing my heart to meet my God here, aren't I? So, church starts, and I start asking the Lord over and over again, "Really, Lord? Really? I need you to tell me again. I really need you to tell me again that what I thought you told me is true." He is so gracious, even when we whine. I needed him to show me again, and again, and again. He did. Every moment of that service, from where I sat in church, to a person that spoke, to the songs that we sang. He loved showing me again. We sat in the middle of the church where we never sit, right behind people that we maybe have met one time, and sang songs that I had long ago given to the children that I had miscarried. We sat behind a family who just recently brought home three children from Ethiopia and the husband spoke in church that Sunday about the needs of the orphans of the world. I, finally, just smiled and said, "OK, Lord, I get it. Thank you for showing me." Halfway through this man's talk, my husband looks at me with a smile and says, "OK, let's do it."
Lord, break our hearts for the things that break yours. He did, again.