Monday, March 22, 2010
I had a moment sitting beside the river one day. Another cloudy day in what felt like months of cloudy, rainy days. I was calling out to God, asking him my question. I was under the canopy of the trees so I would not have really been in the sun even if it had been out. So, I was asking the Lord to show up for me, to prove to me that he was there, when suddenly the sun came out so big and bright that I could not even look up, even under the trees. There was a break in the clouds, in the gray, in the toil, and suddenly Glory was there. A beautiful glimpse of God's ever present presence. Even when the clouds are there, the sun is ever present, even when you don't feel it or see it. So, I closed my eyes, turned my face toward His and let him wash me with His warmth. He was telling me to stop looking for the answers but to look for him. To trust him, that he will always show up, always be present. That I can walk in to these questions and know that he is right there in it. He wanted me to return to him and he would bring me rest.
He didn't leave me there for long. He gave me a moment to gather myself and once again told me to get ready. To make strong my feeble knees. I still really just thought this was all about me and more work that I was going to do with me. How small my world is!!
Then he started pouring scripture into me about being a servant. Asking me if I would surrender to what he was going to ask of me. Telling me to give without counting the cost, to labor and not to seek any reward, to give alms and not sound a trumpet. When Jesus turned the water in to wine, the Master of the feast didn't know it was him. All the while still reminding me about rest, reminding that when my hand does a good thing, it is not lifting itself of its own accord, but God making it lift. I was thinking all the while, Oh sweet Jesus, where are we going with all this?
I am still not totally sure and I trust that more and more will be revealed on this journey. One journey that the Lord is calling me and my family to is adoption. I have been praying for a year now for God to "break my heart for the things that break His." He is doing that, powerfully. Adoption has been something that my husband and I have talked about for years, even before we had our own children. We starting talking about it again about 4 months ago. On and off. Exploring a little, talking to a few people. Nothing big for us really. Until my heart exploded with love and desire for orphans. "Break my heart for the things that break Yours Lord."
So that has been my journey for the last few months and there is so much to tell. Only a few months and already so many stories. Can't wait to write some of them...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I have walked much of my life in a "lame" place. Being broken and wounded from various things. God, in his great love for me, has brought healing to many of those areas. Those healing, while beautiful and so worth it, came at a cost, much heartache and hard work. I wasn't really sure I was ready to start another journey like that. God had been talking to me for several months (years really) about anger. This deep seeded anger that I have inside sometimes that I have fought with for years. I really thought it was about that. That we were about to start working on that (and we are, Praise God!), but that wasn't it at all. The Lord kept telling me to get ready, to strengthen my hands and my feeble knees so I once again committed to praying daily about this new path in preparation.
He kept pouring into me and I kept wondering where we were going. I was led to another scripture in Isaiah 35:
3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."
8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. a]">[a]
9 No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
As I asked over and over again and wondered and thought about what my new path should be, He reminded me over and over again to quit looking down for the path but to look up for him. To remember that He is walking that path with me, carrying me when I can't walk anymore. He has done this before, He is doing it again. He reminded me that I am his ransomed and I will walk in His path, that everlasting joy will crown my head, that gladness and joy will overtake me and all sorrow and sighing will flee away. I claimed this.
A song that has really spoken to my heart lately is "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair. You can listen herehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIkQ7YVys_A&feature=PlayList&p=7CDF5E74441D9F3F&index=14
I prayed this over and over. To" let the waters rise if you want them to. I will follow you". Tears started flowing, a lot. A friend recently told me that when tears start to flow it either means that you are about to be healed or someone is about to be healed through you. I pray that it means both this time.
So, I keep praying, daily and trust that what God tells me is true. Isaiah 41: 13, "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."I am banking everything on His help right now.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The next week, my Women Getting Real Group (probably 40 or so women) had a Christmas present exchange. We were supposed to bring in a little gift, something we made, something we bought for a couple of dollars, and we were supposed to pray over it and trust that the Lord would lead our little gifts to the correct people as we randomly passed them out. I saw people get cute bookmarks with great scriptures on them, plaques with beautiful sunrises or butterflies. Me? I got a journal. A very ugly journal with pastel flowers on it. I do not use the journals that I have and I do not do pastels, especially not pastel flowers. Someone had obviously just had this at home and re-gifted it because they didn't like it either and didn't use it. Great, I thought, one more thing to go in my yard sale pile.
I opened it up and the sweet person that had brought this gift had put a handwritten note in it and a verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
and he will make your paths straight.
The note to me said, "Start a new journey, a new path with the Lord this Christmas." OK Lord, I will take that and cherish it as a word from you and try not to think about the cover of the journal.
What did this mean? This new path, this new beginning? I had no idea and it made me excited to think about it. Nervous as well. The Lord and I have traveled down plenty of not so fun paths. But He tells me in His word that he will make that path straight. My role, in His mercy and grace, is to trust Him with all my heart and not my own understanding. To acknowledge Him, above all things.
This started the first of many conversations that the Lord and I started to have about my "new and straight path."
Almost 4 months later, I am still walking that path. More to come...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
However, I don't think it will happen today as the day is mostly over and I am slammed. I have a babysitter coming over in 30 minutes so I can go have a moment to myself, and a couple of hours with my husband.