Sunday, September 12, 2010

How Big is your God?

This past month has been a weird month for my spirit. There are lots of things going on, not so much in my physical world as I have been working hard to clean out busyness, but in my spiritual world.

I have been reliving what this time last year looked like. Spending time with my father on and off in the hospital which resulted in his death one year ago today.

Preparing for our yard sale to raise funds for our adoption. That was an emotional drain because it involved going through and using a lot of my dad's stuff in my yard sale. Amazing how the smell of him and seeing his handwriting can wipe you out. The yard sale was not just an emotional drain but also a physical drain in being up late for nights and nights organizing and pricing.

Starting the school year and really questioning not only do I have the ability but the desire to homeschool my kids this year. I have had a lot of doubts here.

Struggling in my parenting as all these emotions have left me raw and exposed to my battle with lack of patience.

The, what feels like, never ending wait to bring our child home - and I have only just begun the waiting. I probably still have another year to go.

This and other things have left my heart and body feeling a bit raked over.

What do I do when faced with all this? I would like to say that I turn my eyes to my Lord and give it all into his capable hands. But, that would be a lie. What I normally do is turn on my super powers and "function". I know you know what I mean. I isolate. I take a posture of defiance and strength while crumbling inside. I hide. I start acting like God isn't big enough to handle me, and sometimes I believe it. Sure he can create the heavens and the earth, calm the seas, and raise people from the dead, but ME? Just not big enough.

The Lord knows that I get in these funks. He lets me wallow in it for a time. Until I realize, once again, how desperate I am. He has consistently brought me this song over and over these past 2 months. I do not own it as I never buy music. I do not listen to the radio as we are always listening to the kid's music. But he brings it to me however He can, and it has come a lot.

He is Mighty to Save - - Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

God has made this my prayer. I can't tell you that he has answered all of my "dilemmas", but he has spoken into each one.

MY GOD is mighty! Mighty enough to rescue my father's soul. Mighty enough to get me through that crazy yard sale. Not only get through but be BLESSED by it. Blessed by the around $1800 we made peddling other peoples junk, but also blessed by the total strangers that came and poured out words of encouragement to us being in this journey of adoption, dropping an extra $5 or $10 bucks in support of us - strangers walking for a brief moment with us in our adoption.

Giving me peace about stepping down and slowing down my physical world so I don't feel like all I have to give to my family is left over energy. Not only giving me peace and showing me the ways to do it.

and the waiting...yes, the waiting for our child. When I was in the craziness of adoption paperwork, but longing to get it all done and approved so we could finally start waiting, someone said to me, "This paperwork is the easy part. You have something to do. Something to control. When you start just waiting, it is really out of your hands." I have to say that is partially true. The waiting is harder than I thought. Not like being pregnant where you know a due date. God just keeps reminding me that He already has her (or them) picked out for us and He is caring for them while we wait. HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE.

To save not just me and you, but all of them. ALL OF THEM! Do you get that? ALL 147 million orphans in this world and he will pour out his compassion on every single one - like they are the only one. All the lost. All the hungry. All the forsaken. HE IS BIG ENOUGH. Praise Him!