I have been reliving what this time last year looked like. Spending time with my father on and off in the hospital which resulted in his death one year ago today.
Preparing for our yard sale to raise funds for our adoption. That was an emotional drain because it involved going through and using a lot of my dad's stuff in my yard sale. Amazing how the smell of him and seeing his handwriting can wipe you out. The yard sale was not just an emotional drain but also a physical drain in being up late for nights and nights organizing and pricing.
Starting the school year and really questioning not only do I have the ability but the desire to homeschool my kids this year. I have had a lot of doubts here.
Struggling in my parenting as all these emotions have left me raw and exposed to my battle with lack of patience.
The, what feels like, never ending wait to bring our child home - and I have only just begun the waiting. I probably still have another year to go.
This and other things have left my heart and body feeling a bit raked over.
What do I do when faced with all this? I would like to say that I turn my eyes to my Lord and give it all into his capable hands. But, that would be a lie. What I normally do is turn on my super powers and "function". I know you know what I mean. I isolate. I take a posture of defiance and strength while crumbling inside. I hide. I start acting like God isn't big enough to handle me, and sometimes I believe it. Sure he can create the heavens and the earth, calm the seas, and raise people from the dead, but ME? Just not big enough.
The Lord knows that I get in these funks. He lets me wallow in it for a time. Until I realize, once again, how desperate I am. He has consistently brought me this song over and over these past 2 months. I do not own it as I never buy music. I do not listen to the radio as we are always listening to the kid's music. But he brings it to me however He can, and it has come a lot.
He is Mighty to Save - - Hillsong