Sunday, April 25, 2010

I didn't expect it to happen

I really didn't expect it. A friend told me it would happen, but I didn't really believe her. I thought we would start this process, be in the drudge of paperwork for a while, then begin the waiting process, and then maybe it would happen, maybe...

I didn't expect that I would already be loving a child. I thought it would be so different than carrying my own child. The initial joy, the hormonal mood swings, the fear, the cautiously telling people (I have had three miscarriages so I was generally pretty cautious in my telling). I feel like I am in my first trimester. I am weepy at the silliest things. My stomach feels nervous with anticipation. I day dream and get a funny half grin on my face at times. I am already picturing a baby in my arms. Thinking about what she will look like (this, obviously, is very different than carrying my biological kids). Thinking about her hair, and her little fingers and toes. Already imagining how life will change when my "due date" comes around. Thinking about life with 4 kids, and picturing my older three holding their little sibling.

Wow, I didn't really think this would happen. That my heart would open up, so exposed already, and be pouring out on my child. I knew I would pray for her. That I would think about her. But, LOVE HER already? Wow.

I know the estimated time of when we should be able to bring a child home (IF all the IF's fall in to place), and the estimated age that our child will be. So I am picturing my child's birth mom, and praying for and for her health. Picturing where she is in her pregnancy. Even found myself praying that if there was some way that the birth mom could keep her precious baby, and take care of it well, that it would happen (of course then it wouldn't be my child, but still...). I hurt for that mommy. I know what it feels like to lose a child. I have seen my best friend walk a journey of losing her almost three year old little girl. Whether that mommy gives her child up by choice, or because of her health or situation, she will still experience grief and loss.

My husband calls it "creating emotional space". There is an emotional space inside of me already that is calling out to be filled up with this little one. My arms feel the same way.


  1. Love, love, love, dear one. (And have I mentioned how glad I am you're blogging?)

  2. We are already anxious about a new niece and/or nephew/ cousin:) Love hearing about the journey-God is good!