So as I toiled over this new path, I was spinning a bit out of control. The Lord spoke over me Is. 30:15 which says, "In returning and rest, you shall be saved. In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I was asking Him for a very specific answer to a very specific question.
I had a moment sitting beside the river one day. Another cloudy day in what felt like months of cloudy, rainy days. I was calling out to God, asking him my question. I was under the canopy of the trees so I would not have really been in the sun even if it had been out. So, I was asking the Lord to show up for me, to prove to me that he was there, when suddenly the sun came out so big and bright that I could not even look up, even under the trees. There was a break in the clouds, in the gray, in the toil, and suddenly Glory was there. A beautiful glimpse of God's ever present presence. Even when the clouds are there, the sun is ever present, even when you don't feel it or see it. So, I closed my eyes, turned my face toward His and let him wash me with His warmth. He was telling me to stop looking for the answers but to look for him. To trust him, that he will always show up, always be present. That I can walk in to these questions and know that he is right there in it. He wanted me to return to him and he would bring me rest.
He didn't leave me there for long. He gave me a moment to gather myself and once again told me to get ready. To make strong my feeble knees. I still really just thought this was all about me and more work that I was going to do with me. How small my world is!!
Then he started pouring scripture into me about being a servant. Asking me if I would surrender to what he was going to ask of me. Telling me to give without counting the cost, to labor and not to seek any reward, to give alms and not sound a trumpet. When Jesus turned the water in to wine, the Master of the feast didn't know it was him. All the while still reminding me about rest, reminding that when my hand does a good thing, it is not lifting itself of its own accord, but God making it lift. I was thinking all the while, Oh sweet Jesus, where are we going with all this?
I am still not totally sure and I trust that more and more will be revealed on this journey. One journey that the Lord is calling me and my family to is adoption. I have been praying for a year now for God to "break my heart for the things that break His." He is doing that, powerfully. Adoption has been something that my husband and I have talked about for years, even before we had our own children. We starting talking about it again about 4 months ago. On and off. Exploring a little, talking to a few people. Nothing big for us really. Until my heart exploded with love and desire for orphans. "Break my heart for the things that break Yours Lord."
So that has been my journey for the last few months and there is so much to tell. Only a few months and already so many stories. Can't wait to write some of them...