Doubt - why am I really doing this? can I do this? i have three kids already and I am already so busy. do i have the energy for one more? did you really say to go down this road Lord - did you really say it or did i make it up? do I even want to do this? life is calming down a little now that Micah is 3 and in preschool 2 mornings a week and now I am adding another little body to our mix? plagued with doubt...
Today felt especially hard. By 9:15 I had everyone dropped at their schools, I was starting a new volunteer thing in Kate's class and had to be there at noon so I had a couple of hours that was going to be "down time" (whatever that is). I was totally exhausted from not sleeping last night and my plan was to come home and go back to bed. But...I really needed some new shoes, and I had a coupon that was about to expire, and this morning was my only chance this week to do it. So, I went home for a bit, then trudged back out to my car to go to the store. I almost turned around several times thinking, who cares if I save $10, I am so tired, I just want to take a nap. But...I kept going.
A little back story. FB is not all bad. In fact, I have reconnected with people who I probably would never have had the opportunity to. When we first started fundraising last fall, I posted it on my FB page. Not long after I got a message from a sweet girl that I went to high school with. I did not know her well, she was several years younger than me, but in a small town, you know everybody some. She has a huge heart and she wanted to donate toward our adoption funds. Those totally out of the blue people totally blow me away! The people who really have no "personal" interest in our lives, but want to support us and this process that we are in. Like the older couple who instead of giving us $10 for the junk that they bought at our yard sale, gave us $100.
So today, filled with doubt, exhausted from lack of sleep, with coupon in hand, in my few kid free hours of the week, I drove to JC Penney to "buy shoes" or so I thought. Shopping around, I hear my name. It is my friend, my sweet, tenderhearted friend who after years of not seeing her, blessed me with a donation to our adoption. With tears in her eyes, she told me about how she has been praying for us and for our little girl. She told me how she had been blessed to read my blog (which is so poorly written and rambling I can't imagine anyone reading it). She told me of her heart for orphans, and how as a young girl that she took her $20 a month allowance and sponsored a child. I could see the love pouring from her eyes and her faithfulness in our Lord coming from her words. I can not tell you how much the Lord knew that I needed that. How much I needed the sweet reminder that I am not in this alone, and that He has raised up an army to pray for us and for our little girl. Sometimes that army is invisible to me, but at those moments that I am being bombarded with doubt, He is ever faithful to make it visible. He is ever faithful to remind me, if I will listen.