Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Questions that make it hard to hold it together

I have told you about some of the funny things that my 3 year old has said about his new baby sister "R". Well there have also been some very hard questions, some really intense (though brief as he is only 3) moments, confusing and conflicting moments, moments that I really have no answer to.
Like this morning at breakfast.
Micah said, "Mommy, does R live in Ethiopia."
"She does for now, Micah."
"Well, does R have a Mommy?"
"Well Micah, I am going to be her Mommy."
"You are? But you aren't in Ethiopia. Does she have another Mommy in Ethiopia"
"Yes she does have another Mommy in Ethiopia."
"What happened to her?"
"Well, she couldn't take care of R the way that she wanted to."
"Why not?"
"Well (notice how all my answers start with Well - they are hard questions), in some places, people don't always have enough food to give their kids."
I got several Why's about this one then...a little unsure of things, sounding a little nervous, I got this...
"Mommy, do you have money? Do you have enough food?"
I could really just feel the confusion (and a little bit of uncertainty coming from him).
So I pulled him onto my lap, reassured him that we have plenty of food, plenty of money, reminded him that the Lord feeds the birds of the field and clothes the flowers in splendor, and that He loves us even more that those things. That He knows what we need, when we need it.
I am so glad Micah isn't old enough to look much past his concern for himself, and not know to ask why then does God not provide those things for all people. I really wouldn't have an answer for that one, because I simply do not know. I ask Him that question often - but I know that His ways are not my ways, and that His ways are infinitely better.
I can't imagine really. I feel like almost every Winter it hits me. Every Winter, when I pass a homeless person on the street, or see a child with no coat, it hits me. I wonder what it would be like to be that Mother who does not know where the food for her children will come from. If they will be fed that day, or the next, if they will be cold that night or have a place to be warm. It confuses and pains me. I saw that confusion, that pain, flash on the face of my 3 year old this morning and it was hard to hold it together - to not be overcome with the pain of it.
Come, Lord Jesus.