a small piece of real (b/c I only have time for a piece)

You don't get much of the real of being a mom, esp. being a mom to an adopted child. I will, eventually have time to give you more real but for now here is a piece. Some of this is just "there are now 4 kids in the house, and we are adjusting to a new baby" real and some of it is on steroids because she is adopted.

This has been my real this week.

A loneliness that is so present it makes me want to curl into a ball (because this is really hard, but you can't really tell every one that because then you would sound ungrateful and like you wished you hadn't done it - not everyone thinks that hard doesn't equal bad).

A fear and wrestling of attaching to this broken hearted little girl that God is longing to heal.

A baby that I really know little about her health, that has had a horrible cough and snotty nose for about 5 days. A cough that at least once a day covers me in vomit because it is so strong.

A week that started out with an attempt of all 6 of us trying to go out of the house together for the first time in 4 weeks. To church we went. Got there late to sneak in the back so as not to overwhelm our little one with so many new faces. Only to last 20 minutes before she coughed so hard that she threw up all over my new black shirt.

Placing a call to our nurse to see if I should bring her in, and praying that they say no, because all the kids are home from school today, and I can't even change my spit up on shirt, much less get all 4 of us loaded up and to the dr.'s office.

An amazing husband (whose birthday is today!) who spent his birthday night up A LOT with a sick little girl, because I was cramping so badly I knew that if I got out of bed my uterus would fall out.

A husband who, even though I got out of bed and let him sleep a bit this morning and I made him an awesome omelet birthday breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen by himself so it wouldn't be a mess for me after he went to work.

A exhaustion brought on my 5 weeks of only 1-2 hour stretches of sleep at a time (that doesn't include the sleeplessness that led up to bringing her home). I really don't even feel exhausted anymore...except when I do, and then I REALLY DO!

and then there is this post...which is amazing and brings me back to what is REAL.

The other side of this real is this:

A little girl who smiles and bounces wildly when her Daddy gets home from work.

A little girl who now knows where Mommy comes into her room and when I go pick her up from her nap, cranes her entire body in anticipation of seeing me as quickly as she can, and though it is dark in her room and I can only see the white of her eyes at first, I can feel her smile before I turn the light on and reach down to get her.

A little girl who is starting to trust us and turns her body into mine.

A little girl who is starting to really want, and even cry to be held by me instead of wanting to be left alone.

A little girl who sings to me in babble, smiling, and reaching up to touch my face for 30 minutes in the middle of almost every night (OK, I do wish this one happened at 3pm instead of 3am but I will take it).

That is all the small piece I can write for now - I have to bake a birthday cake for my amazing husband!

Learning more about the other Three

I know my three bio kids pretty well. I carried them, birthed them, have spent hours with them - learning about them, watching how they tick, how they respond to life. I pretty much could tell you how each one of them would respond to having a new little sister, and I have been pretty much dead on with my assessments. We talked to them, prepared them for how hard it could be for a while. Shared with them some of the things that Ribka might go through, how she might respond to them, and to us.

It has been absolutely one of the sweetest things to watch these three kids that I know so well, bring out little pieces of this little girl that I barely know at all. I have fallen in love with all four of them even more by watching them engage with each other. She has been an amazing gift to our family as I wrote about here, but what a sweet gift these three kids are to her as well.

Daniel, my first born. My intense, super energetic, head in the clouds, brainy, empathetic little guy. He is always busy, always plotting out something in his head, or inventing something, or crying over the ants that I killed or some injustice he has come upon. My prediction was that he would be very interested in Ribka for short burst. That he would do drive by interactions on his way to something else. That has been mostly true. But what I didn't expect is that he would dance in front of her for 10 minutes to make her laugh. That he would tear up when he startled her and made her cry. That he would love holding her. That he would flip her over when I put her on her belly and she would fuss about it. It is precious to see him respond to her.

Kate, my second born. My nurturing drama queen. My super perceptive, wordy little mother who likes to control everything. My prediction was that she would be very interested in the "motherly" type activities like changing her diaper, bathing her, feeding her. That has been true. She has helped with baths, has helped with putting on diapers, and picking out hair bows. But what has blessed me to hear and see is the conversations that she has had with her. As she sits in front of her telling her all about girl stuff - hair bows, etc. Listening as Ribka babbles and acting like she is telling her something really important. The questions that she has asked me about the things that Ribka might be feeling. The way her little body starts bouncing and swaying automatically when she holds her. The way that she has WANTED to share our girl time with her. Love Kate's heart for her little sister (and that she wants to dress alike, and put hair bows in her hair, etc.)

And then there is Micah. My rambunctious, highly physical, highly physically affectionate, overt, funny, VERY boy little guy. I said that if Ribka can survive all the "love" Micah will give her she will be one tough little girl. My prediction was that Micah would not be able to keep his hands off of her, and that he would be all in her space most of the time. We practiced gentle hands and quiet voices double time in preparation for a little sister. He is all that...and more! He seriously is so infatuated with her that he sometimes just can not control the excitement that comes out of him when she is around. He has done great with his gentle hands, gentle hugs. He rubs her head, wants to hug her and hold her at every turn, is interested in ALL things that involve her. He is such a sweet little guy and has said numerous times, "I just want to be next to my best friend, I love her so much." His love for her makes me smile!

I am not naive to think that there will always be this much LOVE going on in the house, but it is really sweet for now!

The Gift

That is what she is, after all. An amazing gift. We started this journey with a God given desire to reach out, to ACT, to love an orphan and give her a home - to GIVE a gift to someone. What has happened is that we have been given the gift. Isn't that so like the Lord??

We left to go back to Ethiopia to get our daughter almost 2 weeks ago. Amazing how so much happen in just 2 weeks. We arrived late on a Saturday night, ET time, and spent our last night without her in our arms. Sunday morning we woke up READY to go and get our sweet girl. The morning was long, the short ride to the transition home felt like forever, my arms ached for the feel of her. Finally we got there, they brought her out to us and put her in my arms - my arms that had been longing for her, and had not forgotten the feel of her, she smiled for a few minutes,

then...she cried hysterically. Cried and cried, so hard that the special mothers had to take her from my arms and calm her down. The special mother gave her to Matthew, who walked her around outside, not making eye contact, and eventually she feel asleep in his arms and he held her for a long time. I could not even talk to her or she started crying! My arms were empty again, and I was a little shocked - she had LOVED me last time, didn't she know I was her mommy, couldn't she feel my more than capable arms that have loved and cared for 3 other kids, couldn't she sense my love for her? But in the place of that "wanting it to be all nice and comfortable and a joyous reunion" grew a broken compassion that I had touched on, but not yet fully grasped. Our presence there was about to rock her world. Turn it upside down. She had already once felt the loss of her mother's arms, now I was about to take her out of the arms of the special mothers that had been caring for her for the last 4 months.

I, mentally, had been prepared for this. Taken the hours upon hours of education courses on it, been briefed and talk to by my case worker on the ins and outs of what it could look like, but I think in my mind I really just thought, "Oh, she is only 6 months old, is she really going to be feeling all that? How can a 6 month old really express that much grief?" My heart broke over and over for her as the weight of just what all she had gone through in the past 6 months, and was about to go through, washed over me like a flood. We stayed there a brief time, then we loaded back up in the van to go back to the hotel where we would be mostly room bound for the next 5 days as we bonded and attached to our daughter. The grieving continued. She cried on and off (mostly on), for the next 36 hours.

Our case worker had told us that there would be a time about 24 hours after we got her, that she would really focus on our face, and the realization that we were not taking her back to her "home" would hit, and she would be inconsolable for a time. Can you believe it - THAT HAPPENED TOO!! I don't think I really believed it would - after all I am a pretty well educated mom when it comes to taking care of kids. Thinking that anyone that has lived through the kind of colic my 2nd child had, knows all the tricks to comfort even the most distraught baby. I didn't, not even close. As I was giving her a bottle, cuddling her close and her tired, red eyes were closing, she suddenly popped them open a little dazed, and then she focused, really focused in on my face and you could see the reality hit her, the "oh my goodness who is this stranger and why is she not taking me back" look on her face happened only seconds before the saddest cry I have ever heard came forth. She did the same thing with Matthew. He walked out of the bathroom and said her name, and she really LOOKED at him, and lost it, so sad. Heart break over an over. All I could do is hold her close, cry with her, and tell her over and over that I love her, that I will never leave her, that she is forever my daughter.

Things got a little better after that. We spent a lot of time walking outside behind the hotel, we ate when she slept, held her most of the time, slept when she slept, and loved being with her. It was hard, very hard at times, but such a sweet time. As I would be giving her a bottle, and gazing down at her sweet little face, reality would hit me again and again - the heart ache, the pain of her story. Adoption is so beautiful, but it is so broken.

We had Embassy on Monday morning, then on Wednesday we had to go back to the transition home to pick up our paperwork. We had already decided that we would not go back to see the Special mothers because it was so hard to leave the first time, we didn't want to go through that again. When we got there the director was in a meeting so we had to wait at the baby house. All the special mothers came out to see her, took her from my arms, my heart was full of dread at what that might be doing to her, and she cried, cried and cried so I took her back, and she STOPPED!!! She wanted back in my arms - it was hard, but so good to see that she was attaching to us already.

We left at 11:15pm ET time on Thursday night. It was LONG and crazy - our flight got cancelled in Chicago - when we were SO CLOSE! We thankfully got on standby by for the next flight out, so we ended up getting home at 10:30pm Friday night, 36 hours of traveling later. Exhausted but jubilant to be home and have our entire family together!

Blackston homecoming video here.

I feel like this has been an amazing gift to me, to my family. Even the LONG wait has been a gift. My eyes have been opened to so many things, the Lord has broken my heart for his children, and now this sweetest gift of this precious daughter, this sweet gift to my 3 bio kids of this amazing sister. We are enjoying her so much - can't stop kissing her round little face, and I am praying that she can survive the smothering hugs and kisses from her siblings because they can't get enough of her!

So happy to be the momma to these 4 amazing kids!

WE ARE GOING TO GET OUR GIRL!!!!

I am humbled, honored, READY, overwhelmed, and grateful...oh, so grateful! I still sometimes wake up in the morning and think that all of this is a dream, this entire process made up in my mind. Then the reality hits, I am "having" another baby! I have "carried her" for almost 2 years, and the "labor" for this child has been unlike anything I have ever done. It is an amazing, and extremely hard thing. Wearing me out and building me up daily. Such a mixture of heavy weight, and joy.

We are closing in on this part of this journey - Praise God!! We first saw her sweet face on October 10th, and now 4 months later, we get to bring her home. The reactions of our kids have been the sweetest thing. As we sat them down to talk to them about what it might be like when we bring her home (her sadness/grief/fear, her confusion over what in the world has just happened to her, her missing her special mothers), they were a mixture of bounce out of your seat excitement and trepidation. Would she cry a lot, would she like them, would Mom and Dad still be available to them when they need us - but mostly just excitement. I got the news that we would be traveling soon while they were in school, and when I picked them up from school they got in the car and said, "Well, well Mom, did you hear??" I said, "YES!! and they said that it is time for R to come home - we are going to get her this weekend!". They both screamed and jumped up and down in the car, Daniel said he was so happy he was crying, Kate jumped in my seat with me to hug me, and when we got home we all shared hugs and tears together. Such a sweet time!

We will be leaving this weekend and returning next week. I got a picture of her this weekend from another family traveling - just look at that hair, and that precious little foot. Can't wait!!!

Getting Closer!!

Just a quick update:

We were submitted to the US Embassy on January 3rd. They say that it normally takes 1 to 2 weeks before you hear from them. They have our email address and generally copy the families with all communication to our staff. Well, as of today, we had not heard from them. To say that I have been a basket case would be an understatement. WIth all the crazy stuff going on over there, I have been thinking the worst! So I called my sweet, sweet case worker, who at this time in this journey feels like my good friend, ready to cry to her and see if we could send the Embassy an email asking what the problem is. She had encouraging news for us. Apparently they have sent emails, but they were spelling my last name wrong!!!

The Embassy has requested a birth parent interview (very standard) and that is scheduled to take place at 7:30am on January 30th (that is 12:30am EST - I imagine I won't sleep that night). Please pray - pray for R's birthmother as she has to travel to Addis again to tell her story. I have a real burden for her in all this and I have heard that these interviews can be very unpleasant. Pray that we are CLEARED!!! We could find out that same day that we have been cleared to travel, or we could hear that they need more information, or that they need to forward our case to the Embassy in Nairobi for further investigation. Our case is pretty cut and dry but you never know. IF we are cleared, we could travel later that week or the first part of the next week.

Please pray - pray that we will clear Embassy. Pray that we travel quickly.

So excited and grateful!

Our Paperwork is at the US Embassy

We learned last week (1/2/12) that all our paperwork had been submitted to the US Embassy in Ethiopia. After we passed court in Ethiopia on 12/14/11, they have to gather all her paperwork (passport, new birth certificate, etc.) and submit that to the US Embassy to be reviewed. The reviewal process typical takes anywhere from 3-8 weeks and can have many bumps along the way so we are praying that it is all cut and dry and goes smoothly. Once the case is reviewed we will be given an Embassy appt. to go and pick up our sweet girl!

Hair, Products, Hair, Products, Hair Products????

I can not tell you how many hours going to stores, searching the internet, reading articles, I have spent all in the attempt to learn more about caring for our little Ethiopian girl's hair! It is amazing how overwhelming it all is!!

I am learning all sorts of new words, terms, ideas. How often to wash her hair, or don't wash it at all but only co-wash it. How to keep her hair moisturized. What type of products to put in her hair and how often a day to do it. Does she need a leave-in, milk, a smoothie, or maybe a soufflé product?? How to find satin crib sheets since she is too little to sleep with a satin hair wrap or satin pillow, and her hair will be so dry that cotton fibers can make it break and be frizzy. What type of hair does she have - 3a,3b, 4a, 4b? and what do all those mean anyway.

A LOT of information...and I am loving it! but...eventually I am going to have to bite the bullet and buy something before she gets home :-)