This has been my real this week.
A loneliness that is so present it makes me want to curl into a ball (because this is really hard, but you can't really tell every one that because then you would sound ungrateful and like you wished you hadn't done it - not everyone thinks that hard doesn't equal bad).
A fear and wrestling of attaching to this broken hearted little girl that God is longing to heal.
A baby that I really know little about her health, that has had a horrible cough and snotty nose for about 5 days. A cough that at least once a day covers me in vomit because it is so strong.
A week that started out with an attempt of all 6 of us trying to go out of the house together for the first time in 4 weeks. To church we went. Got there late to sneak in the back so as not to overwhelm our little one with so many new faces. Only to last 20 minutes before she coughed so hard that she threw up all over my new black shirt.
Placing a call to our nurse to see if I should bring her in, and praying that they say no, because all the kids are home from school today, and I can't even change my spit up on shirt, much less get all 4 of us loaded up and to the dr.'s office.
An amazing husband (whose birthday is today!) who spent his birthday night up A LOT with a sick little girl, because I was cramping so badly I knew that if I got out of bed my uterus would fall out.
A husband who, even though I got out of bed and let him sleep a bit this morning and I made him an awesome omelet birthday breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen by himself so it wouldn't be a mess for me after he went to work.
A exhaustion brought on my 5 weeks of only 1-2 hour stretches of sleep at a time (that doesn't include the sleeplessness that led up to bringing her home). I really don't even feel exhausted anymore...except when I do, and then I REALLY DO!
and then there is this post...which is amazing and brings me back to what is REAL.
The other side of this real is this:
A little girl who smiles and bounces wildly when her Daddy gets home from work.
A little girl who now knows where Mommy comes into her room and when I go pick her up from her nap, cranes her entire body in anticipation of seeing me as quickly as she can, and though it is dark in her room and I can only see the white of her eyes at first, I can feel her smile before I turn the light on and reach down to get her.
A little girl who is starting to trust us and turns her body into mine.
A little girl who is starting to really want, and even cry to be held by me instead of wanting to be left alone.
A little girl who sings to me in babble, smiling, and reaching up to touch my face for 30 minutes in the middle of almost every night (OK, I do wish this one happened at 3pm instead of 3am but I will take it).
That is all the small piece I can write for now - I have to bake a birthday cake for my amazing husband!