Strange title I know, and this will probably be a jumble of a post but here goes...
It is a weird feeling, getting closer. Feeling like I am in the second trimester of this "pregnancy". We, obviously, still have no idea when we will get a referral, or how long after we get our referral it will take for us to travel the first time, and then the second time to bring her home; so, I feel like I am in that never ending second trimester. We hope to get a referral in Aprilish and then get to bring her home in summerish...but, who knows.
I remember being pregnant with my biological three, and what it felt like as I got closer. Thinking about decorating their room, picturing whose features they will have where, whose personality traits they will have for what, how big they were at the time in my tummy, wondering when I need to start getting out, washing and folding their little clothes. There were many unknowns with my bio three. Even if they would come out healthy is never really known. The unknowns of this little on are totally different. Like how old she will be - could be anywhere from 0-12 months. How big she will be - she could be 6 months but only weigh 8 pounds. Obviously, she won't look like us :-) I wonder if her mom is even pregnant with her yet, or maybe she has already been born and is cold and alone somewhere. Maybe she is with her mom, but her mom is dying. Maybe she is hungry and crying. Will she have some disease that will be hers for the rest of her life. Is anyone holding her. How will she be received being an African child in a white family. There are so many unknowns.
This really has been an awesome journey, but I feel like the closer I get to the end, the more I hate that I am on this journey. I know that sounds weird but bare with me. I do not hate that we are doing this. I am so very excited about this child and so thankful that I am getting to love her, but I hate that there is a need for it. For adoption. Adoption is wonderful, a gift from God, as He has adopted us into his family. But there is so much grief involved in it. Just as our Heavenly Father, and Mary and the disciples felt keenly the grief and loss of Jesus at his death on the cross - THE requirement for our adoption - , I am realizing more and more the grief and loss that MUST go on in order for me to adopt my child. It isn't as it should be. My baby should be able to stay and nurse at her momma's breast. To grow up in her own culture with people that will teach her heritage through living it out with her. To have siblings that share the same blood. I long for that for her, even though it would mean she would not be mine. I hurt for her momma. I hurt for the choice that she will make, either by her death, not being able to provide for her child, or even just not wanting her child (there is much grief in that as well). I HURT FOR THEM BOTH. It rips at my heart. I wish that there was another way, if I could just bring them both here and care for them, help them stay together, I would. Even if it meant my not being the mom. I long for the eternal.
There is also the unknown in my heart. The unknown of feeling like I am crazy for doing this. Even though it has been confirmed and confirmed in so many different ways that we are doing the right thing for us and for our family, I just still get those looks and those questions of WHY? Why do you want more kids? are you crazy? Probably! :-) Why adoption when you can have your own? Why from Ethiopia? many reasons - but just to share one - have you seen how amazingly adorable those kids are :-) Why spend your money like that when you have three kids that you need to take care of already? because it is God's money and he will provide it and take care of us at the same time. He promises to after all. I know and FEEL all this and more in my heart, but there is always that little whisper that likes to tell me that I am crazy to be doing this. When I already feel overwhelmed by the craziness of three kids, why am I adding more? When I could be paying off my house or saving money, why be using it in such a way? LIES! I renounce them all. But, the whys, the whats, the whens all linger.
Lord, be my comforter. Remind me that in the middle of all the unknowns, the questions, that you are ever constant. My Rock.