I have had several moments of doubt lately. Mostly when I get so caught up in the paperwork of all this, or when my focus leans toward the risks involved, I really doubt. I have several times in the last few weeks wondered, why am I doing this to myself? Why not live the way everyone else in our western world seems to try to live? When I look at the hard things this could mean for my family, I think I am a little crazy. Not even hard things really. I am not talking about not being able to afford food or clothes for my kids. I am talking about the luxuries in my life that I already take for granted. Like not getting to go on a big trip for my 10 year anniversary this year. My anniversary gift gets to be to get put on a waiting list. It makes me think of what Melissa Fay Greene (author of There Is No Me Without You) said in one of her interviews, "Look, we ran out of bedrooms about four children ago. And no one has invited our whole family to dinner since about 1998." Is this what we have a head of us, a packed house, no one inviting us to dinner because they can't afford to feed all of us, not being able to go on vacations because we can't afford it with four or more kids. Sometimes I can laugh and say a resounding, "YES Lord! I hope that is what you have in store for us." Other times, my response is a little, OK a lot, more hesitant. I get whiny and dramatic thinking about how "EVERYONE" else gets to live a life of ease while I am stuck here in my large, suburban, air-conditioned house with my cup of tea and snack beside me, while I type on my computer. Even now as i write it, I am laughing at myself. That I can get so bent out of shape over the thought of not getting something (like having to choose Kroger brand ice cream instead of Ben and Jerry's or not getting to go on a cruise for my anniversary), when my Ethiopian child (when she is born) will be lucky to even get held, or fed regularly, or get her diapers changed.
I want to stop here for a second and say this: Please do not hear me wrong, I am not judging going on vacation or having a nice home. There is nothing inherently wrong with those things. There is nothing super holy or special about our decision to adopt either. It is just where the Lord has us.
So, where do my doubts come from? Jesus tells us about the Devil in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy" he then tells us about Himself "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I have to ask myself, Who am I going to do life with?
James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
So, am I going to chase after the world? Am I going to run to those things that seem easy and safe? I want to, at times. I long to, at times. I run to my coping mechanisms, I run to my chocolate, and my thoughts of an easy, stress-free life with lots of money and no worries. Will that bring me life? Jesus says No. Who will I believe, my petty desires, or the God of the Universe?
We haven't told tons of people about our adoption (other than this PUBLIC blog :-)). We sent out an email to a few people who have been special in our lives. I have gotten a few responses like, "you are so amazing!" I am so NOT amazing on my own. I am only amazing because the Lord has called me to be His beloved child. I often want to follow the world, and give up on this idea that the Lord has called us to live differently than the world does. This is where the Lord is calling us to go and I know that to not follow that calling will mean to miss out on the LIFE that the Lord offers me. It would mean to follow something else, something that wants to "kill, steal, and destroy" my joy, my life. I pray the Lord's protection from that.
I love this video of Francis Chan. I hits my heart every time I watch it. I hope it hits yours too.