The Gift

That is what she is, after all. An amazing gift. We started this journey with a God given desire to reach out, to ACT, to love an orphan and give her a home - to GIVE a gift to someone. What has happened is that we have been given the gift. Isn't that so like the Lord??

We left to go back to Ethiopia to get our daughter almost 2 weeks ago. Amazing how so much happen in just 2 weeks. We arrived late on a Saturday night, ET time, and spent our last night without her in our arms. Sunday morning we woke up READY to go and get our sweet girl. The morning was long, the short ride to the transition home felt like forever, my arms ached for the feel of her. Finally we got there, they brought her out to us and put her in my arms - my arms that had been longing for her, and had not forgotten the feel of her, she smiled for a few minutes,

then...she cried hysterically. Cried and cried, so hard that the special mothers had to take her from my arms and calm her down. The special mother gave her to Matthew, who walked her around outside, not making eye contact, and eventually she feel asleep in his arms and he held her for a long time. I could not even talk to her or she started crying! My arms were empty again, and I was a little shocked - she had LOVED me last time, didn't she know I was her mommy, couldn't she feel my more than capable arms that have loved and cared for 3 other kids, couldn't she sense my love for her? But in the place of that "wanting it to be all nice and comfortable and a joyous reunion" grew a broken compassion that I had touched on, but not yet fully grasped. Our presence there was about to rock her world. Turn it upside down. She had already once felt the loss of her mother's arms, now I was about to take her out of the arms of the special mothers that had been caring for her for the last 4 months.

I, mentally, had been prepared for this. Taken the hours upon hours of education courses on it, been briefed and talk to by my case worker on the ins and outs of what it could look like, but I think in my mind I really just thought, "Oh, she is only 6 months old, is she really going to be feeling all that? How can a 6 month old really express that much grief?" My heart broke over and over for her as the weight of just what all she had gone through in the past 6 months, and was about to go through, washed over me like a flood. We stayed there a brief time, then we loaded back up in the van to go back to the hotel where we would be mostly room bound for the next 5 days as we bonded and attached to our daughter. The grieving continued. She cried on and off (mostly on), for the next 36 hours.

Our case worker had told us that there would be a time about 24 hours after we got her, that she would really focus on our face, and the realization that we were not taking her back to her "home" would hit, and she would be inconsolable for a time. Can you believe it - THAT HAPPENED TOO!! I don't think I really believed it would - after all I am a pretty well educated mom when it comes to taking care of kids. Thinking that anyone that has lived through the kind of colic my 2nd child had, knows all the tricks to comfort even the most distraught baby. I didn't, not even close. As I was giving her a bottle, cuddling her close and her tired, red eyes were closing, she suddenly popped them open a little dazed, and then she focused, really focused in on my face and you could see the reality hit her, the "oh my goodness who is this stranger and why is she not taking me back" look on her face happened only seconds before the saddest cry I have ever heard came forth. She did the same thing with Matthew. He walked out of the bathroom and said her name, and she really LOOKED at him, and lost it, so sad. Heart break over an over. All I could do is hold her close, cry with her, and tell her over and over that I love her, that I will never leave her, that she is forever my daughter.

Things got a little better after that. We spent a lot of time walking outside behind the hotel, we ate when she slept, held her most of the time, slept when she slept, and loved being with her. It was hard, very hard at times, but such a sweet time. As I would be giving her a bottle, and gazing down at her sweet little face, reality would hit me again and again - the heart ache, the pain of her story. Adoption is so beautiful, but it is so broken.

We had Embassy on Monday morning, then on Wednesday we had to go back to the transition home to pick up our paperwork. We had already decided that we would not go back to see the Special mothers because it was so hard to leave the first time, we didn't want to go through that again. When we got there the director was in a meeting so we had to wait at the baby house. All the special mothers came out to see her, took her from my arms, my heart was full of dread at what that might be doing to her, and she cried, cried and cried so I took her back, and she STOPPED!!! She wanted back in my arms - it was hard, but so good to see that she was attaching to us already.

We left at 11:15pm ET time on Thursday night. It was LONG and crazy - our flight got cancelled in Chicago - when we were SO CLOSE! We thankfully got on standby by for the next flight out, so we ended up getting home at 10:30pm Friday night, 36 hours of traveling later. Exhausted but jubilant to be home and have our entire family together!

Blackston homecoming video here.

I feel like this has been an amazing gift to me, to my family. Even the LONG wait has been a gift. My eyes have been opened to so many things, the Lord has broken my heart for his children, and now this sweetest gift of this precious daughter, this sweet gift to my 3 bio kids of this amazing sister. We are enjoying her so much - can't stop kissing her round little face, and I am praying that she can survive the smothering hugs and kisses from her siblings because they can't get enough of her!

So happy to be the momma to these 4 amazing kids!

WE ARE GOING TO GET OUR GIRL!!!!

I am humbled, honored, READY, overwhelmed, and grateful...oh, so grateful! I still sometimes wake up in the morning and think that all of this is a dream, this entire process made up in my mind. Then the reality hits, I am "having" another baby! I have "carried her" for almost 2 years, and the "labor" for this child has been unlike anything I have ever done. It is an amazing, and extremely hard thing. Wearing me out and building me up daily. Such a mixture of heavy weight, and joy.

We are closing in on this part of this journey - Praise God!! We first saw her sweet face on October 10th, and now 4 months later, we get to bring her home. The reactions of our kids have been the sweetest thing. As we sat them down to talk to them about what it might be like when we bring her home (her sadness/grief/fear, her confusion over what in the world has just happened to her, her missing her special mothers), they were a mixture of bounce out of your seat excitement and trepidation. Would she cry a lot, would she like them, would Mom and Dad still be available to them when they need us - but mostly just excitement. I got the news that we would be traveling soon while they were in school, and when I picked them up from school they got in the car and said, "Well, well Mom, did you hear??" I said, "YES!! and they said that it is time for R to come home - we are going to get her this weekend!". They both screamed and jumped up and down in the car, Daniel said he was so happy he was crying, Kate jumped in my seat with me to hug me, and when we got home we all shared hugs and tears together. Such a sweet time!

We will be leaving this weekend and returning next week. I got a picture of her this weekend from another family traveling - just look at that hair, and that precious little foot. Can't wait!!!

Getting Closer!!

Just a quick update:

We were submitted to the US Embassy on January 3rd. They say that it normally takes 1 to 2 weeks before you hear from them. They have our email address and generally copy the families with all communication to our staff. Well, as of today, we had not heard from them. To say that I have been a basket case would be an understatement. WIth all the crazy stuff going on over there, I have been thinking the worst! So I called my sweet, sweet case worker, who at this time in this journey feels like my good friend, ready to cry to her and see if we could send the Embassy an email asking what the problem is. She had encouraging news for us. Apparently they have sent emails, but they were spelling my last name wrong!!!

The Embassy has requested a birth parent interview (very standard) and that is scheduled to take place at 7:30am on January 30th (that is 12:30am EST - I imagine I won't sleep that night). Please pray - pray for R's birthmother as she has to travel to Addis again to tell her story. I have a real burden for her in all this and I have heard that these interviews can be very unpleasant. Pray that we are CLEARED!!! We could find out that same day that we have been cleared to travel, or we could hear that they need more information, or that they need to forward our case to the Embassy in Nairobi for further investigation. Our case is pretty cut and dry but you never know. IF we are cleared, we could travel later that week or the first part of the next week.

Please pray - pray that we will clear Embassy. Pray that we travel quickly.

So excited and grateful!

Our Paperwork is at the US Embassy

We learned last week (1/2/12) that all our paperwork had been submitted to the US Embassy in Ethiopia. After we passed court in Ethiopia on 12/14/11, they have to gather all her paperwork (passport, new birth certificate, etc.) and submit that to the US Embassy to be reviewed. The reviewal process typical takes anywhere from 3-8 weeks and can have many bumps along the way so we are praying that it is all cut and dry and goes smoothly. Once the case is reviewed we will be given an Embassy appt. to go and pick up our sweet girl!

Hair, Products, Hair, Products, Hair Products????

I can not tell you how many hours going to stores, searching the internet, reading articles, I have spent all in the attempt to learn more about caring for our little Ethiopian girl's hair! It is amazing how overwhelming it all is!!

I am learning all sorts of new words, terms, ideas. How often to wash her hair, or don't wash it at all but only co-wash it. How to keep her hair moisturized. What type of products to put in her hair and how often a day to do it. Does she need a leave-in, milk, a smoothie, or maybe a soufflé product?? How to find satin crib sheets since she is too little to sleep with a satin hair wrap or satin pillow, and her hair will be so dry that cotton fibers can make it break and be frizzy. What type of hair does she have - 3a,3b, 4a, 4b? and what do all those mean anyway.

A LOT of information...and I am loving it! but...eventually I am going to have to bite the bullet and buy something before she gets home :-)

3 weeks later

It has been 3 weeks since we first got on a plane to go to Addis Ababa. To make the long trip over to meet our precious daughter at last. It has been a little over 2 weeks since we came home and let me tell you...those 2 weeks have been long.

It was hard to leave Ethiopia - the sweetness of the people, the amazing JOY they have, amidst the poverty and dirt. The beauty of the terrain. So many things that heighten your senses. We had such a sweet, sweet time there with our little girl. I feel myself longing for not only her, but for Ethiopia as well. Craving the food, the bustle, even the crazy driving. To leave that sweet week and come back into the crazy busy, crazy commercial, crazy hustle of the holiday season. My kids had one week of school left and it was full of Christmas parties and such - the scramble of the forgotten teachers presents! Last minute presents to buy. Loads of laundry. Trying to grieve - oh how my heart felt paralyzed. Such a dear reunion with my kids, but they had suffered our absence as well. They had a great week with friends, but within an hour of being with them, I could feel the release of a weeks worth of pent up emotions coming out of them. Trying to be present with and for them, to just sit and hold them, to not get frustrated with their whining when I really wanted to whine myself. Loved being back with them, but it made the "unfinished" part of our family even more obvious. Trying to process out all I was feeling, getting in the Christmas "spirit", when the meaning of Christmas felt so very different than any other year of my life probably. Honestly, this paragraph wears me out just writing it!

We had a sweet Christmas - spent together as a family and with some extended family. Celebrating the birth of our Savior, loving watching my kids open their gifts and the excitement that they always have.

But the absence is never far from me. My arms longing for the weight of her. Wanting to start this new stage of our life. Our kids are very excited to bring her home and love looking at the pictures of her over and over, the videos showing her sweet smile and giggle. My 3 year old asking most days if we can go get baby "R" after dinner, or after nap, or tomorrow when we wake up. My almost 8 year old telling me that the thought of R coming home ranks a 10 on a scale of 1-10, but sometimes the excitement gets bumped down a couple of points by the fact that he is now having to share his room with Micah (the 3 year old!). My sweet Kate is ready to go shopping for her new little sister! Not a day goes by that I don't go through all the pictures - memorizing her face again and again.

So, what are we doing now? Waiting...again :-) Once all of our paperwork is gathered from passing through the Ethiopian courts, it will be submitted to the US Embassy in Ethiopia. That normally takes a few weeks. Then it take another couple of week for them to process your case. Typically there are request for further information, such as requesting to meet with R's birthmother. Sometimes it can get referred to a bigger US Embassy in Nairobi. Then eventually, though we do not know when, the Embassy will clear our case and we will be issued an Embassy date - THAT is when we get to go back!!!! So, it could be 5 weeks, it could be 3 months. Please pray with me that it is the former, and we can get this baby girl home to our family!

So, in the meantime, I am nesting some more. Moving Micah into Daniel's room. Unpacking the crib, going through girl clothes - what do I have, what do I need. Learning all I can about caring for african hair and skin, practicing my techniques on Kate (though she has silky straight blond hair). Shopping :-) Working on being in the present. Savoring this time with only 3 kids, and no infant. Movies, putt-putt golf, ice skating, sleeping in! I know that will change for a time when little miss gets home, but I am ready and excited about the change.

Can't wait to be able to show you the sweet little smile that is behind this heart!

Trip 1 - Day 5: the day we have to say good-bye

I have prayed for this day for so long. Probably envisioned this day even more than the day that I finally got to meet her. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would rip my heart out, and tear a piece of me off to say good-bye to her - to leave her so far away from me, to have my children on 2 different continents.

It was a day like most of the other days - we were picked up to be taken to Hannah's Hope. We spent the morning easily getting smiles, holding her as she slept, giving her her bottles. Then back to the hotel for lunch. Then back to Hannah's Hope for our last visit with her. I knew it would go by quickly. A part of me longed to go home: I wasn't feeling great, I was dreading the 28 hour travel day home, I was missing my sweet kids here, anxious to get this heart break over and start marking the days until we get to go back and bring her home. In those last few hours of holding her, I longed for her, even more than I ever have. Wondering at her, at this precious child that God had chosen to bless us with, marveling at how He could have picked me, picked her, picked us to be brought together as a family. As I was holding this sleeping child in my arms, I saw Wass coming toward me, I knew the hour. I tried to blend in hoping he would just walk on by so I didn't hear the words I knew were coming,

"It is time to go."

As I walked over to the baby house I felt as though I was walking to my doom. My heart was surely going to beat out of my chest. I had done this every day this week - left her in the more than capable, very loving arms of her special mothers. Yet, this was different. This time didn't have a 'you get to come back in the morning.' It was hard to see my big strong husband saying good-bye to his tiny little girl. Snuggling her one more time.

I held it together pretty well, not wanting to freak the other older kids out with my sobbing disaster of a self. I held it together pretty well as we went back to the hotel to pack up and get ready to go to the airport. I held it together pretty well through the chaos of finding our way through the Addis airport and having our plane delayed over and over because the oven in business class wasn't working.

The plane was pretty full but there were some empty seats right in front of our row so we decided to spread out a bit. Not a great idea, I really needed the comfort of my husband because I DID NOT do so well as the plane took off. In that moment of that plane lifting off from my daughter's country, it hit me so hard I could barely breath. I was leaving her and I didn't know when I would get to go back. There is no getting up and going back in the morning. There is no after lunch visit before her bedtime. I am going to miss these next few days, weeks, maybe months of her life. I really thought I was going to stop breathing in that moment it hurt so badly. I had been praying for grace and mercy all week long, and it was only that building up of my strength in God's presence that got me through that moment. Leaving her not only in the hands of her special mothers, but in the hands of her very Special and very Loving Father. Trusting Him with her took on a completely different meaning once I had held her in my arms.

The flight home was hard. Long and hard. It took us about 28 hours of traveling to get home. There were several times that I swore that only the love for one of my children could make me go through that again! But go through it again I will, and next time I will bring my daughter home for good!