The Unknowns

Strange title I know, and this will probably be a jumble of a post but here goes...

It is a weird feeling, getting closer. Feeling like I am in the second trimester of this "pregnancy". We, obviously, still have no idea when we will get a referral, or how long after we get our referral it will take for us to travel the first time, and then the second time to bring her home; so, I feel like I am in that never ending second trimester. We hope to get a referral in Aprilish and then get to bring her home in summerish...but, who knows.

I remember being pregnant with my biological three, and what it felt like as I got closer. Thinking about decorating their room, picturing whose features they will have where, whose personality traits they will have for what, how big they were at the time in my tummy, wondering when I need to start getting out, washing and folding their little clothes. There were many unknowns with my bio three. Even if they would come out healthy is never really known. The unknowns of this little on are totally different. Like how old she will be - could be anywhere from 0-12 months. How big she will be - she could be 6 months but only weigh 8 pounds. Obviously, she won't look like us :-) I wonder if her mom is even pregnant with her yet, or maybe she has already been born and is cold and alone somewhere. Maybe she is with her mom, but her mom is dying. Maybe she is hungry and crying. Will she have some disease that will be hers for the rest of her life. Is anyone holding her. How will she be received being an African child in a white family. There are so many unknowns.

This really has been an awesome journey, but I feel like the closer I get to the end, the more I hate that I am on this journey. I know that sounds weird but bare with me. I do not hate that we are doing this. I am so very excited about this child and so thankful that I am getting to love her, but I hate that there is a need for it. For adoption. Adoption is wonderful, a gift from God, as He has adopted us into his family. But there is so much grief involved in it. Just as our Heavenly Father, and Mary and the disciples felt keenly the grief and loss of Jesus at his death on the cross - THE requirement for our adoption - , I am realizing more and more the grief and loss that MUST go on in order for me to adopt my child. It isn't as it should be. My baby should be able to stay and nurse at her momma's breast. To grow up in her own culture with people that will teach her heritage through living it out with her. To have siblings that share the same blood. I long for that for her, even though it would mean she would not be mine. I hurt for her momma. I hurt for the choice that she will make, either by her death, not being able to provide for her child, or even just not wanting her child (there is much grief in that as well). I HURT FOR THEM BOTH. It rips at my heart. I wish that there was another way, if I could just bring them both here and care for them, help them stay together, I would. Even if it meant my not being the mom. I long for the eternal.

There is also the unknown in my heart. The unknown of feeling like I am crazy for doing this. Even though it has been confirmed and confirmed in so many different ways that we are doing the right thing for us and for our family, I just still get those looks and those questions of WHY? Why do you want more kids? are you crazy? Probably! :-) Why adoption when you can have your own? Why from Ethiopia? many reasons - but just to share one - have you seen how amazingly adorable those kids are :-) Why spend your money like that when you have three kids that you need to take care of already? because it is God's money and he will provide it and take care of us at the same time. He promises to after all. I know and FEEL all this and more in my heart, but there is always that little whisper that likes to tell me that I am crazy to be doing this. When I already feel overwhelmed by the craziness of three kids, why am I adding more? When I could be paying off my house or saving money, why be using it in such a way? LIES! I renounce them all. But, the whys, the whats, the whens all linger.

Lord, be my comforter. Remind me that in the middle of all the unknowns, the questions, that you are ever constant. My Rock.

Humble Gratitude

I have felt gratitude, I have felt humble (though this could have been humility and I just didn't know the difference), but I don't know that I have ever felt so grateful as to be humbled - until recently.

It is no easy thing to ask people for money. Money is such a sticky subject. People get all out of whack, uneasy, confrontational, protective, secretive, when it comes to money. There are surely more manners attached to talking about and dealing with money than there are for sitting down to a formal dinner. Seriously, I feel uncomfortable even writing this. But, we did ask. We asked for money. We didn't really want to. We actually planned on not doing it and just taking out a big loan. But, we were encouraged to, so we did. Uncharted territory for both of us, but we plunged ahead.

Plunged is actually not the right word though. We didn't really plunge. We more like, took a hesitant step, not really expecting much to happen. Our initial mailing had 30 letters in it and as we licked, stamped and mailed those letters, we prayed over them. We prayed for the people that they were going to, we prayed that our efforts would be fruitful, but we really didn't have much expectation. We even sort of laughed about how if everyone sent in $10 then we would have $300 more dollars than we started with. I smile now thinking about how pathetic that was. That we would expect so little. Really that we were expecting so little from the Lord. He was so ready to show us what he could do.

Within a few days, our first response came. Not at all who I thought would respond the fastest - my sweet 91 year old grandmother.

BAM!! $300!!! Right off the bat! We could go nowhere but up from there! Humbled that she would love me so much and believe in what we are doing so much to give so generously to us. Humbled that the Lord wanted to show me right from the beginning that my expectations of Him are sometime so pitiful. He wanted to show me what he could do.

It continues to be that way. Random little (and large) acts of kindness that were so unexpected. God using his people to pour out on us in amazing ways. Few times in my life have I fallen on my knees and cried to the Lord in Humble Gratitude. In fear, yes, in anger, yes, but in overwhelming and outpouring gratitude - sadly, few times. I am overwhelmed by people's support of us.

Are we close to the amount of money that we need? Not really (though closer than when we started to be sure). But I am one step closer to understanding how lavish my God is and how powerful His Spirit is inside his people who are gathering around us. Honestly, that is the real gift. I will probably someday forget about all this money stuff. To feel gratitude so strong that it humbles you, I hope I can hold on to that one.

Where Are We?

I have had so many blog post rumbling around in my head and I will get to them in time. The thing is there is no time! So, I will update you on our official numbers...Ready?

We are #43 for a girl and #26 for siblings! Can you believe that? They just had a huge run of kids being referred to their families and it was so so sweet to watch. There are a couple more in progress so our numbers are probably a bit lower than that. Can't wait until it is our turn :-)

Will try to get more out later...

Help us bring our Sister Home!!

Our kids love their adoption t-shirts and wanted to put a picture on our blog of them wearing them. Our middle one, the only girl so far, wants to wear her shirt all the time. Says it makes her think about her sister! Love that.

Support our Adoption by buying a t-shirt!

How Big is your God?

This past month has been a weird month for my spirit. There are lots of things going on, not so much in my physical world as I have been working hard to clean out busyness, but in my spiritual world.

I have been reliving what this time last year looked like. Spending time with my father on and off in the hospital which resulted in his death one year ago today.

Preparing for our yard sale to raise funds for our adoption. That was an emotional drain because it involved going through and using a lot of my dad's stuff in my yard sale. Amazing how the smell of him and seeing his handwriting can wipe you out. The yard sale was not just an emotional drain but also a physical drain in being up late for nights and nights organizing and pricing.

Starting the school year and really questioning not only do I have the ability but the desire to homeschool my kids this year. I have had a lot of doubts here.

Struggling in my parenting as all these emotions have left me raw and exposed to my battle with lack of patience.

The, what feels like, never ending wait to bring our child home - and I have only just begun the waiting. I probably still have another year to go.

This and other things have left my heart and body feeling a bit raked over.

What do I do when faced with all this? I would like to say that I turn my eyes to my Lord and give it all into his capable hands. But, that would be a lie. What I normally do is turn on my super powers and "function". I know you know what I mean. I isolate. I take a posture of defiance and strength while crumbling inside. I hide. I start acting like God isn't big enough to handle me, and sometimes I believe it. Sure he can create the heavens and the earth, calm the seas, and raise people from the dead, but ME? Just not big enough.

The Lord knows that I get in these funks. He lets me wallow in it for a time. Until I realize, once again, how desperate I am. He has consistently brought me this song over and over these past 2 months. I do not own it as I never buy music. I do not listen to the radio as we are always listening to the kid's music. But he brings it to me however He can, and it has come a lot.

He is Mighty to Save - - Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

God has made this my prayer. I can't tell you that he has answered all of my "dilemmas", but he has spoken into each one.

MY GOD is mighty! Mighty enough to rescue my father's soul. Mighty enough to get me through that crazy yard sale. Not only get through but be BLESSED by it. Blessed by the around $1800 we made peddling other peoples junk, but also blessed by the total strangers that came and poured out words of encouragement to us being in this journey of adoption, dropping an extra $5 or $10 bucks in support of us - strangers walking for a brief moment with us in our adoption.

Giving me peace about stepping down and slowing down my physical world so I don't feel like all I have to give to my family is left over energy. Not only giving me peace and showing me the ways to do it.

and the waiting...yes, the waiting for our child. When I was in the craziness of adoption paperwork, but longing to get it all done and approved so we could finally start waiting, someone said to me, "This paperwork is the easy part. You have something to do. Something to control. When you start just waiting, it is really out of your hands." I have to say that is partially true. The waiting is harder than I thought. Not like being pregnant where you know a due date. God just keeps reminding me that He already has her (or them) picked out for us and He is caring for them while we wait. HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE.

To save not just me and you, but all of them. ALL OF THEM! Do you get that? ALL 147 million orphans in this world and he will pour out his compassion on every single one - like they are the only one. All the lost. All the hungry. All the forsaken. HE IS BIG ENOUGH. Praise Him!

Loving our T-Shirts

So excited to present our T-shirts to the world!

The Lord has been so gracious to give us a heart to adopt. It is so not of us. We want the message from this Hosea passage to tell the world that this adoption is not about us, or something we are doing. It is about the great love and compassion that HE has for the fatherless.

We want to raise funds for our adoption, yes! But we also want to spread the message that our great FATHER is present, and HE is mighty to save.

Hope you enjoy wearing our t-shirt!

Fingerprints, fingerprints

Not sure how many times at this point I have been fingerprinted :-) Surely by now they know who I am.

We travel this Friday to Nashville to get our final FBI fingerprinting done. The great thing about it is that we get to eat at one of the great Ethiopian restaurants that Nashville has and Knoxville is lacking in.

I will travel for food...