Questions that make it hard to hold it together

I have told you about some of the funny things that my 3 year old has said about his new baby sister "R". Well there have also been some very hard questions, some really intense (though brief as he is only 3) moments, confusing and conflicting moments, moments that I really have no answer to.

Like this morning at breakfast.

Micah said, "Mommy, does R live in Ethiopia."

"She does for now, Micah."

"Well, does R have a Mommy?"

"Well Micah, I am going to be her Mommy."

"You are? But you aren't in Ethiopia. Does she have another Mommy in Ethiopia"

"Yes she does have another Mommy in Ethiopia."

"What happened to her?"

"Well, she couldn't take care of R the way that she wanted to."

"Why not?"

"Well (notice how all my answers start with Well - they are hard questions), in some places, people don't always have enough food to give their kids."

I got several Why's about this one then...a little unsure of things, sounding a little nervous, I got this...

"Mommy, do you have money? Do you have enough food?"

I could really just feel the confusion (and a little bit of uncertainty coming from him).

So I pulled him onto my lap, reassured him that we have plenty of food, plenty of money, reminded him that the Lord feeds the birds of the field and clothes the flowers in splendor, and that He loves us even more that those things. That He knows what we need, when we need it.

I am so glad Micah isn't old enough to look much past his concern for himself, and not know to ask why then does God not provide those things for all people. I really wouldn't have an answer for that one, because I simply do not know. I ask Him that question often - but I know that His ways are not my ways, and that His ways are infinitely better.

I can't imagine really. I feel like almost every Winter it hits me. Every Winter, when I pass a homeless person on the street, or see a child with no coat, it hits me. I wonder what it would be like to be that Mother who does not know where the food for her children will come from. If they will be fed that day, or the next, if they will be cold that night or have a place to be warm. It confuses and pains me. I saw that confusion, that pain, flash on the face of my 3 year old this morning and it was hard to hold it together - to not be overcome with the pain of it.

Come, Lord Jesus.

things to remember

My kids are thrilled at the thought of a little sister.

Micah's comments have really been the absolute funniest. Constantly looking at her pictures, carrying it around.

Today he said, "Aww. she is so cute Mommy. She is so nice and brown! She look alike me, except I am not brown." Some of our dearest friends here in Knoxville are Indian, and he has said many times that she looks like them.

Many times when we have seen friends this week Micah has blurted out pretty quickly, "I am getting a new sister. Did you know, her name is R (he says her name). She is my little sister."

Today he was saying her name over and over and we started talking about whether or not we would actually call her R (we will keep her name for sure but not sure what she will go by yet), then he said, "Maybe we could call her Megan." Totally out of the blue - no idea where he got that name.

We were driving down the interstate and he said, "When we stop, can we get R then?" We told him it was going to be a long time before we could get her and he said, "Then can she hear us when we talk to her?"

I have caught him on the computer trying to work the mouse down to the iPhoto icon so that he can look at her pictures.

It will be a very long wait for him. I am sure that he will love her to death (until she starts getting into his business, and taking time away from him anyway).

Kate had a dr. appt. today. While we were waiting we were playing hangman. A few rounds in Kate had a three word hang man. I finally guessed it was I Love R. That melted my heart.

I often catch Daniel staring at her picture on the fridge. He told me today that he hasn't really been very excited about this whole adoption thing, until he saw her picture. Now he can't wait.

Just some sweetness I want to remember.

WE GOT THE CALL!!!!

Wow - I never thought I was going to get to write this post! It has been a long, long process this far. We started this process in February of 2010 - 20 months ago! But...on to the good stuff!

A little back story first...

I was really getting discouraged about our wait...like, really. My birthday was October 4th, and I prayed for days that the Lord would give us a referral on my birthday. I thought that would be the greatest gift ever. Well, my birthday came. I carried my phone around like crazy. Our agency is in Oregon so I always knew that I have up until 9pm my time before the hope of a call is gone for the day. We were out to dinner as a family - it was probably 6:30pm. I got up to go get one of my kids some ketchup (stepped away from my phone for a second!). When I came back to the table, I had missed a call FROM OUR AGENCY!! Imagine my absolute excitement as I thought the Lord had answered my prayer in EXACTLY the right way. I listened to the vm, but nothing...it was just a check in call. My heart sank. I really almost cried in the middle of my birthday dinner. I had such a hard time enjoying the rest of the night - the singing, the cake, the presents, all covered by a sadness. I can really just see the Lord - looking at me with His ever patient smile as He watched my impatience, again, just longing for the moment that He would get to reveal His plan.

I had several friends who were praying that I would get a referral on my birthday as well. When I told them about my disappointment the next day, one friend had a great insight. She said that God perhaps did answer my prayer - I just didn't know it yet. That perhaps that day, October 4th, was a very important day in the life of my child, and that it would be revealed to me later. Such wisdom.

Fast Forward to Monday, October 10th:

Mondays in the adoption world, while you are waiting, means the beginning of another week of hoping for a referral. Monday came, we went about our day as normal, but it is always in the back of your head, wondering. I spent part of the day with two families who have sweet little boys from Ethiopia - we were all joking that I should rub their heads - that it might bring on some good vibes or something! About 7:15 that night, I was getting Micah and Kate ready for bed; Matthew and Daniel were on their way home from Cub Scouts. My phone rings - it is our agency. I think for a second, could this be our call? I knew that our case worker had been out of the office for 2 weeks and I had emailed some questions while she was gone. I knew that I was still so disappointed from the other call, that I immediately thought, "Oh, this is just our case worker checking in." I answered, we chatted for a bit, then THE WORDS - I have a little girl that I want to talk to you about! I think I yelled WHAT at her like three times!!! I was so shocked!

We started talking about her - telling me all her info, what little there is of it. About 10 minutes into the conversation Matthew got home. I met him at the door, phone in hand, smiles and tears on my face. He looked really very confused, and a little scared, then it dawned on him that there was probably only one thing that could make me look like that - A REFERRAL!!

We talked with our case worker for about an hour. She told us her approximate birthday and then told us the day that she came into the transition home where she is now - it was OCTOBER 4th!!!!! My birthday - the day that I spent ALL day praying that the Lord would bring us a baby. He answered my prayers in such a sweet way. I almost fell out of my chair when she told me that.

After we got off the phone with our case worker, and while we were waiting for a new email with her pictures to come through, we went to tell the kids. We turned off the TV and I said, "Guys, you know that Mom and Dad have been on the phone for a long time, and we have something we want to talk to you about." Kate jumped up out of her chair and yelled, "Did we get a referral????" I was so happy to scream back YES! Daniel grabbed me around the waist in a huge hug and had such a look of amazement and wonder on his face. Micah was extremely confused by it all as he had no idea what a referral meant, but he started dying laughing at us all jumping and dancing around.

We decided to put the kids to bed while we waited for all the pictures to come through. It wasn't long until we heard the feet of the older two coming back downstairs. They couldn't sleep they were so excited. So the four of us looked at her pictures and talk about her for a long time. Then we called our parents and sent a few text. At this point it was close to 11pm so we decided to stop for the night.

I couldn't though - i came back downstairs multiple times until midnight looking at her sweet face, and back up at 5am the next day looking at it again. Just can't get enough of her :-)

The next day we started the mountain of paperwork - which we mailed in today!!!

I can not tell you how super excited I am - we all are. Micah has asked a million times to see the pictures of HIS baby, asking if he can sleep with his baby, can his baby come home today when he gets up from his nap. We know it could still be a long wait, we know that there could be some very big things that can come up even in this part of the wait, but for now, I am just praising God that He connected our lives with this little girl.

It is amazing how there can be such joy, and such sadness over the news that a new little girl is coming into your family. That is another post.

September Update

We keep moving up! Our official September #'s are # 2's all around! It is like a race to the finish line - I wonder which one will come first??

The wait that was originally supposed to be 9-12 months has turned into 12-18 months. We are now closing in on waiting for 15 months and we are so ready. It has been quiet a roller coaster. International adoption in our chosen adoptive country is somewhat unstable at this point. The changes that have come in the last 6 months have been substantial.. There are families that have lost their referred children. Families in real danger of losing their referred children - that live daily dreading for the phone to ring, afraid of more bad news. There are orphanages being shut down, and other already over run orphanages becoming even more packed with the children from the other shut down orphanages. There are children languishing away while the higher ups battle out the details. It is scary and uncertain sometimes and I wonder if I have it in me to stick it out for even one more day. Then I wonder what it will look like to be granted the amazing privilege of being matched with a child and in the same breath what it would feel like to have that child be taken from us. I cling to the only hope I have. I try to see the big picture. I rely on the promise that the Lord has said that He will not leave them as orphans.

Please continue to pray for not just our process (we are really so small in all of this), but the process as a whole. Adoption, I know, is not the answer to the millions of orphaned children in this world - it really only touches a tiny percentage of them. But, the Lord has given me the hands and feet to do this tiny part for now.

"I long to to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small task as if they were great and noble." - Helen Keller

Remembering Motherhood

Last spring as school was winding down, we made the decision to no longer home school. This was an agonizing decision for me. My other half has always known that we would eventually send our kids to public school. We are both public school kids ourselves, have nothing against public school, and he is all about getting them "exposed" to the world while they are young and in our home so it isn't such a shock when they get older. Me, I just don't want them exposed, ever. I always LOVE to be in control and I wanted to control their environment, as well as their education. So 2 years ago, when our oldest was gearing up for kindergarten, we decided to do a home school cooperative program. The best of both worlds - a few days here, a few days in a classroom setting with other kids. It was a great choice and I am so glad that we did it. But...I am so glad that we aren't doing it anymore :-)

I agree, full out, that the Lord has given us children and that we, as their parents, are the best choice to care for them and to "raise them up in the way that they should go". I loved my family being all together, I loved our slow mornings and afternoons curled up on the couch reading, I loved watching the light turn on as I taught them new things. I do not plan on any of this stopping (except the slow mornings obviously). I plan to continue teaching my children, reading with them and to them, teaching them new things. But what I also plan on doing is becoming their mom again, and enjoying it.

What homeschooling has done to me is make me their teacher...first. I have lost the joy in being their mom. I was so wiped out by the academic education of them that I lost the relational and spiritual teaching of them. I was walking around with a huge rock of responsibility that was taking my joy in them away. I was not being a good mother, because all I had to give them was the teaching. I missed them.

I spent the last half of last year praying that the Lord would change me, that he would make me enjoy homeschooling or give me the freedom to to send them to public school. I felt like such a failure because I thought I wasn't giving my kids the best by not homeschooling. I felt like a failure because I couldn't do what all the other moms around me were doing. So I prayed. I had a friend ask me whose permission I needed to not homeschool. What a great question. So I started asking the Lord to give me permission to quit. It came almost instantly. All I had to do was ask that - and I felt such freedom to release that expectation on myself. I have had many people try to change my mind, but the Lord has always given me a great peace about it.

Now, it has only been a half of a week of public school and I know this is way too early to tell if this is the answer to my sucking as a mom, but man, I have so enjoyed my kids this week. I have enjoyed teaching them. I have enjoyed reading to them, and letting them read to me. I have enjoyed sitting down to do piano with them in the afternoon instead of yelling at them to get their practice done - because by the afternoon, I had nothing left to give them, and a whole days worth of curriculum yet to plan for the next day. I have enjoyed my still at home little guy, because I have some energy left to give him, and a desire to actually teach him something for a change (my daughter started reading at 3, sweet Micah doesn't even know all of his letters).

I feel like I am remembering what it means to be their Mom. I miss them like crazy, it is driving me a bit nuts that I don't know what they are studying each day, but I send them off each morning under God's protection and supervision, praying with them and for them like I have never done before. Trusting and enjoying...

some sweet moments

Just to share a few sweet moments with my kids lately:

My kids do a summer library reading program each year. When they finish and turn in their reading log they get to write their names on a a handprint and put it on the library wall. Kate put her hand on Ethiopia.


A few days ago at the park, I was pushing Micah (just turned 3) on the swing. I started talking to a fellow swing pusher- asking about their kids. They asked me how many kids I had, and if they were girls or boys. As we shared our kid info, Micah chimed in and informed the Dad that he also had a little sister in Ethiopia and that she would be home soon. My heart burst with excitement over bringing our little girl home. He will be such a great big brother!

A year and some days

As of June 26th, we have been on the waitlist for 12 months. We started out as #75 in line for a little girl, and #45 in line for siblings. It has been a long year...but we are closing in, I hope!

So many people ask me why we are doing this? Why add more chaos to your already young family of three kids? If I want to add more chaos, I obviously can carry my own biological children, so why go through this long ordeal of adopting one (or two)? The answer is quiet simple (and complex). The Lord has put it in our hearts to. It isn't just about trying to grow our family (we can do that pretty well - our three precious children are testimony to that). It is about answering a call. A call that the Lord put on my heart ages ago, and Praise God, brought me a husband with that same call.

We sort of always knew that we would, so when it came to a time in the life of our family that we started talking about it, I ask the Lord to show me if that was the right thing to do. He was so pleased to do so, over and over. He still does. On days that I doubt, I ask Him to show me again, and he does, ever faithful.

It has a tough year with waiting. Watching the program change, almost stop, trusting, waiting, hoping, watching. The Lord has stretched and moved me in amazing ways. If this had been about just growing my family, I could have already done that (twice probably!).

So, where are we after a little over a year of waiting (it has actually been well over a year since we started, but only year since we got on the list)? We are getting close! Not close to bringing her/them home...but at least close to getting a referral and getting those first glimpses of who our precious children are. We are around #7 for a girl 0-24 months, and #4 for siblings 0-24 months. Our hope of bringing a child home in the summer has been gone for a while, so I have started praying for a Christmas baby, though that may be a long shot as well.

People ask where we are financially? Waiting...The Lord has told me he will provide this, whether that is through donations, or taking out loans, I do not know...but it will come.
It cost about $30K to adopt 1 child, and about $45 for siblings. We have paid about $15K so far ($6K of that we borrowed - the other we had saved). We have raised through donations, yard sales and t-shirts about $8K, and have been putting money aside into our adoption fund as we can. So, we still have a need here (esp. if we do get siblings).

That is a brief update on the last year. Hoping to have some really good news to share soon!