Is It Coming Yet, Mommy?

We love music at our house. It is always on in the car, someone is often banging away on the piano or drums. A little pre-cooking dinner jump and jive session in the kitchen.

There are several Classical pieces that we listen to often enough that Micah (who is a few months shy of 3 years old) knows that there is a sudden instrumental boom to them. Two of these pieces are Vivaldi's Four Season's Winter, and Hayden's Surprise Symphony. Whenever these pieces come on, he immediately starts asking, "Mommy, is it coming? Is it coming?" I always say the same thing, "Almost sweetie. Almost, but not yet."

I can sometimes just feel the nervous tension in Micah as he is waiting. Sitting all strapped in his car seat. He is excited and yet nervous. Even as a 2 year old, wanting to have some measure of control. Sometimes he even ask if we can skip this song, because the not knowing when it is coming wears on him. Still not totally sure that it will come this time, or perhaps that it will be different when it does. What if, just what if it doesn't come at all? Sometimes he thinks it is one of those songs with a sudden boom, and it really isn't, so we spend the entire song with him asking every few minutes, "Is it coming yet, Mommy?" (at which point I often just skip it because I am tired of answering).

Doesn't that sound exhausting? (the waiting, not the asking - though that does get exhausting too!)

Waiting turning into worrying...is it ever going to happen? Can I make it happen? What if it doesn't happen?

It struck me this week as we went through this drill for what probably is the hundredth time, that I often live my life in that same spot. Always waiting. Is it coming yet? Never being satisfied to relax and find joy in the measure of life I am in, because I am worrying about what the next one is going to be. Always looking to the next big musical boom in life, thinking this will be the thing that makes this piece worth listening to. The sudden explosion of violins that makes Life worth living.

When I was younger, I loved the Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go. He calls it the Waiting Place:

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

If you back up a bit in the Dr. Seuss book, he talk about how you get to this Waiting Place.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place

I spend so much energy in this place. Worrying. Trying to Control, Manipulate.

Jesus addresses this place of worry in all of the Gospels:
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" (Like 12:25-26)

Why do we? I don't know what it is for you, but I think for me, it is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I won't be able to handle whatever it is that comes up next. That is will be too much for me. I react to life from a place of fear, which leads to worry, which leads to never being happy with where I am in life, because I am always waiting for the next thing. That is not from the Lord.

Psalms 27:1-3 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked came against me To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell. 3 Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war should rise against me, In this I will be confident.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

The LORD, Praise God, has given me a spirit of POWER, not of fear. He has given me the power to not just react to life, but to LIVE it. He has given me the power to rest, knowing that while whatever is coming may FEEL like too much, it never will be - because He is in control of it.

What is really comes down to, almost always, is what I will choose to believe. Will I choose to believe the lie that I have to worry, obsess, toil, not trust? Or do i choose TRUTH - that the Lord is my light and my salvation, what should I ever fear?

Joshua 24:25 "then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

We Hit The Teens!!!!

Even though everything is totally unstable right now in Ethiopian Adoptions (in a worldy sense anyway), I can't help but be excited that we finally hit the teens (unofficially) for both of our numbers.

We are now #19 for a girl, and #13 for siblings.

We have also made the decision to change our age parameters to 0-24 months. another blog post on that one...

Hormones

Seriously, I feel REALLY pregnant. Not just adoption pregnant. My moods are all over the place. It has been a very emotional week, full of praying and crying out. I am one minute crying, the next crying in joy, the next yelling, the next hugging and ecstatic. Not sure what to expect from myself at any moment.

There have been big changes that have come up in the Ethiopian Adoption process and we have no idea how this is going to change things for us, not to mention the impact it could possibly have on the waiting orphans in that country. You can read more about that here: http://adoption.state.gov/news/ethiopia_alert.html.

Suffice to say, it could drastically increase our wait times. I am talking years, not months. So I wake up in the mornings knowing that this is going on and my heart is so very heavy. Then I look on our list serve of other families in our agency and see baby and after baby (4 to be exact) being referred out to what will become their forever family and my heart burst with joy, with excitement, with amazement, with thanksgiving. I am reminded of the David Crowder Song, "You Are My Joy!!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAhdmfcVK9s)

And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in
Remain composed.
Love's taken over me
So I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.

I just can't hold it in.

Someone once told me at the beginning of this that adoption is a journey, and maybe, just maybe there will be a child for you in the end. I have given lip service to that - saying that it has been an amazing journey - and it has. But the significance of - there just might be a child in the end - has never really sank in - until now. Until I am faced with the possibility that there might not be, and if there is it could be years. That the little faces I have pictured and the sweet moments and the hard ones I have been preparing myself for seem a little less real. There is much grief in that.

And I am faced with loving a people who will be suffering even more. More children in institutions for years instead of months, decreasing their chances of ever being adopted as they get older. More children on the streets, dying, hungry, because there are no open beds for them in the institutions.

I understand. I do. I am thankful that we have people who want to ensure that adoptions are ethical and protect the children and their families. My heart is for the children.

My prayers have slowly changed from asking the Lord to please stop this, to praying that his Will be done. If this is His way of protecting them then so be it, I trust Him. I will continue to pray.

A Sweet Poem

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

Once there were two women,Who barely knew each other.
One is in your heart forever,The other you'll call mother.
Two different lives, Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,And the second taught you how to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,The other dried your tears.
One gave you a family,It was what God intended for her to do.
The other prayed for a child,And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me, Through your tears, The age old question through the years.
Heredity or environment… - Which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling…, neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

January Numbers

Update to our numbers...

For the month of January we are officially #33 on the girls list and #15 on the siblings list!

Being a Feeler...

There is no way to get around it really. If you are an F, then you just are. I spent much of life trying not to be that way - avoiding, hiding, etc. You get the picture. All my therapist friends would probably call it "emotionally constipated" (I do love that phrase!). But, alas, I am a feeler, and mostly I am very thankful for that.

However, being a feeler is hard. It can wear you out as much, if not more, than being "emotionally constipated". I really FEEL things - good and bad, and I often get overwhelmed with those emotions. Like my last post of being overwhelmed with emotions for the birth mother of my child. When my friends suffer, I FEEL it (though my husband might say I am not always as in tuned to his emotions :-)) I think it hits more when it is cold outside - I start thinking about all the homeless in my city and it hurts, I think about the woman and child who approached my car in the target parking lot yesterday asking for money and it hurts. I am bombarded with knowledge of child prostitution, women being exploited and sex traffic, radicals shooting and injuring the people who serve our country and killing children in the process and I really think I am going to vomit. IT HURTS. This world hurts.

As I was reading this morning, I was really struck by a sweet word from the Lord - I really felt it. Felt His promise to me, to us. It says this:

Psalm 10:
¹⁷ You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
¹⁸ defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that mere earthly mortals
will never again strike terror.

Hear those beautiful words - do you FEEL them? Ask the Lord to let you feel them: He hears our desires (spoken, not spoken, even those we don't even know we have), He encourages us (He has the perfect words to meet us right where we are), He listens (not just listens, but loves to commune with us, loves to hear our voices), He defends (thank you Jesus!)!

I long for this time, this time when terror will not strike again. When all darkness, oppression, death will cease and the Earth will be made perfect.

The Unknowns

Strange title I know, and this will probably be a jumble of a post but here goes...

It is a weird feeling, getting closer. Feeling like I am in the second trimester of this "pregnancy". We, obviously, still have no idea when we will get a referral, or how long after we get our referral it will take for us to travel the first time, and then the second time to bring her home; so, I feel like I am in that never ending second trimester. We hope to get a referral in Aprilish and then get to bring her home in summerish...but, who knows.

I remember being pregnant with my biological three, and what it felt like as I got closer. Thinking about decorating their room, picturing whose features they will have where, whose personality traits they will have for what, how big they were at the time in my tummy, wondering when I need to start getting out, washing and folding their little clothes. There were many unknowns with my bio three. Even if they would come out healthy is never really known. The unknowns of this little on are totally different. Like how old she will be - could be anywhere from 0-12 months. How big she will be - she could be 6 months but only weigh 8 pounds. Obviously, she won't look like us :-) I wonder if her mom is even pregnant with her yet, or maybe she has already been born and is cold and alone somewhere. Maybe she is with her mom, but her mom is dying. Maybe she is hungry and crying. Will she have some disease that will be hers for the rest of her life. Is anyone holding her. How will she be received being an African child in a white family. There are so many unknowns.

This really has been an awesome journey, but I feel like the closer I get to the end, the more I hate that I am on this journey. I know that sounds weird but bare with me. I do not hate that we are doing this. I am so very excited about this child and so thankful that I am getting to love her, but I hate that there is a need for it. For adoption. Adoption is wonderful, a gift from God, as He has adopted us into his family. But there is so much grief involved in it. Just as our Heavenly Father, and Mary and the disciples felt keenly the grief and loss of Jesus at his death on the cross - THE requirement for our adoption - , I am realizing more and more the grief and loss that MUST go on in order for me to adopt my child. It isn't as it should be. My baby should be able to stay and nurse at her momma's breast. To grow up in her own culture with people that will teach her heritage through living it out with her. To have siblings that share the same blood. I long for that for her, even though it would mean she would not be mine. I hurt for her momma. I hurt for the choice that she will make, either by her death, not being able to provide for her child, or even just not wanting her child (there is much grief in that as well). I HURT FOR THEM BOTH. It rips at my heart. I wish that there was another way, if I could just bring them both here and care for them, help them stay together, I would. Even if it meant my not being the mom. I long for the eternal.

There is also the unknown in my heart. The unknown of feeling like I am crazy for doing this. Even though it has been confirmed and confirmed in so many different ways that we are doing the right thing for us and for our family, I just still get those looks and those questions of WHY? Why do you want more kids? are you crazy? Probably! :-) Why adoption when you can have your own? Why from Ethiopia? many reasons - but just to share one - have you seen how amazingly adorable those kids are :-) Why spend your money like that when you have three kids that you need to take care of already? because it is God's money and he will provide it and take care of us at the same time. He promises to after all. I know and FEEL all this and more in my heart, but there is always that little whisper that likes to tell me that I am crazy to be doing this. When I already feel overwhelmed by the craziness of three kids, why am I adding more? When I could be paying off my house or saving money, why be using it in such a way? LIES! I renounce them all. But, the whys, the whats, the whens all linger.

Lord, be my comforter. Remind me that in the middle of all the unknowns, the questions, that you are ever constant. My Rock.